Spoons

I did not get a chance to blog yesterday because I ran out of spoons. The past couple of days have been rough. I was talking on the phone with my mom and said that I was really dragging today and I didn’t know why. She then reminded me that I have felt this way for several days. Today is even worse but because it is the weekend, I can make this the first thing that I really finish. FYI It is early evening.

Several days ago, I pushed my body. I have not been right since. I am 11 years out from surgery for Cushing’s Disease and now I have hormone deficiencies. I am usually on top of things but today, I am slacking on my medication too. I got out of bed in time to take my second dose of thyroid medication. Yes, I admit it. I have had an ongoing headache that seems better now. I am still on the cusp of being dizzy as well. I have so many extra things to do now that it stinks that I can’t just get the basics done. Right now my meds are .6 Genotropin, 50mcg Levoxyl, 1/2 a grain of Armour twice a day, and Estrogel. I am waiting to have a family member around so I can do additional cortisol testing. After that, I get to take Prometrium so I can do my testing for oxytocin.

Things improved a lot in less than a year but being unable to exercise is difficult. That is what sent my body over the edge. I took my dogs for a longer walk than normal. It is so difficult to live this way but I am lucky that my family understands. I am also lucky that I have pets. They take extra work but when I don’t feel well, they are there for me. I guess that this biggest thing that I have to say right now is that functioning is so variable. My range of abilities is much wider than most.

It stinks to be able to pinpoint not feeling well to something that most people in society would consider a good thing.  “I went for a walk and wound up in bed for several days.”  “I cleaned and wound up in bed for a couple days.” I am the one that use to push through everything but my body can’t anymore. Learning to listen is difficult. However, when things get to this point, it becomes evident that the best way to achieve my goals is if I rest or sleep first. With Easter tomorrow, I had a list of things that I wanted to do. My family knows and is accommodating me on this one. In reality, the best I can probably do is make it the 4 hour drive to be there in time for dinner at 4PM. This is where things stand, for now. When I typed my goal for tomorrow, I began to cry. It is so hard to go from someone that was so goal driven to this. I guess that ultimately, I have hope. I also have compassion and understanding for myself.

I have learned to enjoy things that I use to be too busy to even notice. I have learned to accept. Accept help from others. My mom is going to be here for the next week to help me. I have learned to be OK with that. If I can be up and working, I would like that. If I have to lay down and watch, I can still enjoy her company and that gift. Finally, I want to share a note about the title of today’s blog. “Spoons” I hate that concept. The thing is that it provides a mental image of limitation. I usually don’t use that word but need to now for the concept that I wanted to discuss. In reality, I may end up with energy later in the day. Right now, I am investing in getting back into the game. I know that this is temporary and I will be doing better. I also fully believe that my health or treatment may improve. For those of you with the same issues right now, I hope that you have the acceptance and help that you need.

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